Lately my political involvement on facebook has become a little heated, to say the least. A few months ago, my mom even tentatively mentioned that I "sounded a smidgen angry" in my posts. My reply? "A smidgen? I'm furious! I'm incredibly angry about this!" Women's rights are getting trampled on left and right, and many men in my life, who I love dearly, are either genuinely clueless or completely dismissive. And the one time I pointed out white male privilege, I was completely attacked for "acting like white men don't suffer discrimination."

I seriously just can't take it anymore.

The ONLY reason I'm not looking into liberal women's religious organizations is because I'm in love with Dan.

I'm serious. I am so sick and tired of patriarchy. Of misogyny. For the men I LOVE, the men who LOVE me, for them not getting it. For them not seeing it. Sometimes I feel like no one's listening. No one cares. We're all just expected to go quietly and ignore what's happening.

Well, I won't.

This is an essay I wrote recently on rape apologists.

It's time for this country to create a conversation about a bizarrely controversial topic.

I'm talking about consent.

For whatever reason, we're still stuck in this backwards culture of victim-blaming. Then, when I have the “gall” to point out how fucked up victim-blaming is, rape apologists proceed to act offended.

I don't mean to ruffle any feathers, but these are reactions I've heard in similar conversations with my friends, some of whom read this blog. Reactions that are inappropriate and piss me off.

What about teh menz?!

This comes up in two ways, neither of which are appropriate for this conversation.

“What about false accusations?”

Seriously, this comes up Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I discuss rape with Any. Male. Ever.

I'm going to skip the sensitivity I usually use when responding to this. I get it. Being falsely accused of rape is wrong. It ruins men's lives. I know this already. But how about y'all get over your fear of being falsely accused of rape (which, by the way, is statistically a very low likelihood) long enough to try and sympathize with rape victims? Actually, it would be really great if y'all could shut up about false accusations long enough to realize that the women in your life are much more likely to be victims of sexual assault, attempted rape, or rape than you are ever likely to be falsely accused. I'm just sick and tired of every conversation I have with a man about rape or sexual assault sidetracking into false accusations.

“Men can be victims too. Women can be rapists too.”

No fucking duh. I've never heard that one before. Thank you so much for enlightening me. Oh, God, I've been so insensitive. I've been sexually assaulted four times since I was 12, all by men, and who knows how many times men have sexually harassed since I lost count by my 17^th birthday, but you're right. Let's curtail this entire discussion of how to teach men not to rape so we can focus on the problem that's in the minority, a problem that none of us have personally experienced, while ignoring the one that has already damaged ME, one of my sorority sisters, and God only knows how many of my girlfriends.

I'm not trying to diminish the plight of male victims. I know that it's even harder for them to come forward because there's an even greater stigma attached to it. But. The majority of male victims are children or in prison. A conversation about consent and teaching men not to rape isn't going to help those victims. Pedophiles are evil, sick people. Preventing them from hurting children requires completely different tactics than eradicating rape culture. Prison rape is part of prison violence, which, again, requires a different strategy.

Conversations I've had in-person with my friends, and this blog post, are not about trying to prevent every single horrible thing from ever happening. They're about changes we can make in our lives. Responding with “What about teh menz?” does not help.

Victim-blaming.

This primarily happens in two different ways.

“You wear sexy clothes to attract men. You can't get mad when they give you unwanted attention.”

This is problematic for a few reasons.

One, I have big boobs that are almost impossible to hide. I get attention no matter what I wear. It shouldn't be my responsibility to avoid sexual harassment/assault or rape.

Two, there is a huge difference between a guy checking me out and a guy leering at me; between a guy starting a conversation with me and a guy making a comment about my body; between a guy kissing me on the dance floor after several songs and a guy grabbing my ass or tits the second we start dancing.

Three, I often choose to wear sexy clothes for the benefit of a very specific man. (Currently, the boyfriend, but even before we started dating, I usually had a few potential guys in mind). I realize I'm opening myself up to the attention of other men. I don't get upset when a guy hits on me; I get upset when he won't leave me alone.

“Girls should take certain precautions to avoid getting raped.”

For whatever reason, when people hear the word “rape,” they think of some evil man attacking a helpless, thoughtless girl in a dark alley.

But ever heard of acquaintance rape? When the victim knows the rapist?

Yeah, that's the majority of rape cases.

So what sort of precautions should I take? Stop wearing provocative clothing? Except, oh, wait. When the guy on the metro grabbed my ass, I was wearing a knee-length, heavy winter coat. Huh.

Oh, I know! I shouldn't go out at night! Except, remember that guy who forced me to kiss him in broad daylight?

Hmm.

Never leave home! Stay in my house. I'm definitely safe there. Except, damn it. I was 12 the first time a boy violated my body, and I was in the kitchen of my own home.

How about we stop telling girls “Don't get raped,” and we start telling guys “Don't rape”?

Seriously. It's not that hard. Stop encouraging guys to get girls drunk so they're incapable of consenting. Stop joking about rape. Stop telling the victim she could have prevented it. Stop shaming girls for enjoying sex. Stop shaming guys who treat women's bodies respectfully. Stop associating masculinity with how many girls a guy has slept with. Stop associating femininity with women resisting--this perpetuates the myth that "No means maybe, try harder, persuade me."

No means No. Yes means Yes. Seriously, it's not that complicated. And if you're unsure, ASK!